I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
