BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
