yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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