toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
