I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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