Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
