If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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