Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
