Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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