sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
