ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
