you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
