We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she peed on how many people?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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