I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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