Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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