i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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