Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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