Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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