Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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