She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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