I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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