I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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