I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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