I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
