apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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