really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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