After last night, I could never be a politician.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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