Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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