Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
