Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
