She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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