I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
