if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
