You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize