If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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