Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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