Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
