You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize