between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
