I just threw up on my dentist
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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