I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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