we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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