Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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