Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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