she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
