Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
