dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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