Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize