I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Shame - the story of my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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