im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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