i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
