drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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