It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
