the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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