I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
