I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The struggles of a small town man whore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
